My Favorites From The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce
The Devil's Dictionary is full of irreverent, witty, and humorous definitions of words that appeared here and there in weekly newspapers from 1881 to 1906. Eventually, after some people plagarized them, the words were put together as The Cynic's Word Book.
I have to say I am not a cynic, but I am silly and this is fun. On second thought, maybe I am a bit cynical sometimes, occasionally, only when necessary. You know how it is.
AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses."
DEAD, adj.
Done with the work of breathing; done
With all the world; the mad race run
Though to the end; the golden goalAttained and found to be a hole!
Squatol Johnes
EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.
HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage.
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.
MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric.
